Saturday, October 29, 2011
Snow
Today we're having a major snowstorm. The earliest on record. They've upped our forecasted snow totals to 10-14 inches. Ridiculous! We had some trees and huge branches falling all along the hill behind our house. We actually saw one of them take out the neighbor's power line. As I type it's still laying across the road. It was sparking when it disconnected from the pole, but I have no idea if it's live or not. Not going to find out either. And I had just come in from that same area after clearing the snow off the bamboo hanging in the road too. Scary.
Friday, October 28, 2011
I guess I'll give this a try...
I've always said that I'd never have a blog, since my life isn't interesting enough to write about. But I have had experiences that no one else I know has. My husband and I suffer from infertility. Now in a way this defines who we are, but for the most part it has little to do with our day to day lives. We've had a ton of testing done, but there is nothing they can find that could be causing it. So we have what's known as unexplained infertility.
We've been through two rounds of IUI (intrauterine insemination), one on Clomid and one on injectable fertility medications. Both were unsuccessful. Then this past May we did a round of IVF (in-vitro fertilization) that changed my life. I got pregnant. For about three days. It ended in a chemical pregnancy, or what is now referred to by the medical community as an early pregnancy loss. Between the trauma of the IVF process and the loss, it really changed the way that I look at the world.
I'm incredibly thankful that I have the husband I do. I know people always say that they've married their perfect soulmate, but in our case I truly believe that to be the case. There's no one else I can imagine being as comfortable with or as happy with. We both feel totally free to be who we are around the other, with no fear of judgement. That's a nice feeling. And I've never felt as loved as I do by him. He's been incredibly supportive through this whole process of infertility.
My husband recently brought up the idea that maybe we weren't meant to have kids after all. I know how much this hurts him to admit. I'm selfish enough to be content with the life that we have - don't get me wrong, I'd love to have a baby - but I recognize that a lot of the things I enjoy wouldn't be possible if we had one. But my husband truly wants a baby more than anything. I feel guilt for not being able to make him a father. He says he doesn't mind, but I still feel that guilt. Neither one of us blames the other in any way. We're pretty sure it's the combination that's a problem, since when we did IVF, even when they did ICSI (where they actually inject the sperm into the egg) there were much lower fertilization rates than should have happened. He's never been on board with the idea of adoption, but recently mentioned it as a hypothetical in-the-future, maybe kind of option. And then a couple days ago, an old friend of my husband's posted on Facebook that he and his wife had adopted a baby. For some reason this brought all kinds of feeling swirling to the surface for me. My husband said it didn't bother him, but it bothered me. Me, the selfish one. The one who loves being able to sleep in, go out when we want, eat what we want (within reason, since I'm dieting).
I had said that I didn't want to go through the second IVF round that would be covered by state mandated insurance coverage. And I feel guilty for that too. I have a lot of friends in the infertility community who would literally cut off a limb for one shot at IVF, and I'm throwing it away. The experience was so difficult and traumatic for me that emotionally I'm not sure if I can do it again. I want a baby, but I want to not have to go through that again even more. I told my husband that if he wanted me to, I would happily do it, for him.
My thoughts right now are a jumble.
I'm currently dieting - initially to lose weight for the next IVF round, but now just for my health. I'm down to 182.4 lbs. this morning. That's 28 lbs. less than when I started - June 1st - the day I found out I was miscarrying. I originally started dieting as a way to "punish" myself for not being able to keep the pregnancy. My doctor reassured me that my weight was not a factor in why I hadn't gotten pregnant and wasn't a factor in losing it either. But my heart didn't believe him. I, twistedly, decided that I had been too fat to be pregnant and that it was my fault for losing the baby. I've gotten past that way of thinking, but it took a long time and a lot of soul searching. The loss also made me re-evaluate my spiritual beliefs, but that's for another post.
So yeah, this is me. Kind of mixed up and confused, but these are the events of the last six months that have helped define me as a person. Well, the infertility diagnosis has defined me for two years, the fertility treatments and loss are all within the last 6 months to a year. But you get the picture.
We've been through two rounds of IUI (intrauterine insemination), one on Clomid and one on injectable fertility medications. Both were unsuccessful. Then this past May we did a round of IVF (in-vitro fertilization) that changed my life. I got pregnant. For about three days. It ended in a chemical pregnancy, or what is now referred to by the medical community as an early pregnancy loss. Between the trauma of the IVF process and the loss, it really changed the way that I look at the world.
I'm incredibly thankful that I have the husband I do. I know people always say that they've married their perfect soulmate, but in our case I truly believe that to be the case. There's no one else I can imagine being as comfortable with or as happy with. We both feel totally free to be who we are around the other, with no fear of judgement. That's a nice feeling. And I've never felt as loved as I do by him. He's been incredibly supportive through this whole process of infertility.
My husband recently brought up the idea that maybe we weren't meant to have kids after all. I know how much this hurts him to admit. I'm selfish enough to be content with the life that we have - don't get me wrong, I'd love to have a baby - but I recognize that a lot of the things I enjoy wouldn't be possible if we had one. But my husband truly wants a baby more than anything. I feel guilt for not being able to make him a father. He says he doesn't mind, but I still feel that guilt. Neither one of us blames the other in any way. We're pretty sure it's the combination that's a problem, since when we did IVF, even when they did ICSI (where they actually inject the sperm into the egg) there were much lower fertilization rates than should have happened. He's never been on board with the idea of adoption, but recently mentioned it as a hypothetical in-the-future, maybe kind of option. And then a couple days ago, an old friend of my husband's posted on Facebook that he and his wife had adopted a baby. For some reason this brought all kinds of feeling swirling to the surface for me. My husband said it didn't bother him, but it bothered me. Me, the selfish one. The one who loves being able to sleep in, go out when we want, eat what we want (within reason, since I'm dieting).
I had said that I didn't want to go through the second IVF round that would be covered by state mandated insurance coverage. And I feel guilty for that too. I have a lot of friends in the infertility community who would literally cut off a limb for one shot at IVF, and I'm throwing it away. The experience was so difficult and traumatic for me that emotionally I'm not sure if I can do it again. I want a baby, but I want to not have to go through that again even more. I told my husband that if he wanted me to, I would happily do it, for him.
My thoughts right now are a jumble.
I'm currently dieting - initially to lose weight for the next IVF round, but now just for my health. I'm down to 182.4 lbs. this morning. That's 28 lbs. less than when I started - June 1st - the day I found out I was miscarrying. I originally started dieting as a way to "punish" myself for not being able to keep the pregnancy. My doctor reassured me that my weight was not a factor in why I hadn't gotten pregnant and wasn't a factor in losing it either. But my heart didn't believe him. I, twistedly, decided that I had been too fat to be pregnant and that it was my fault for losing the baby. I've gotten past that way of thinking, but it took a long time and a lot of soul searching. The loss also made me re-evaluate my spiritual beliefs, but that's for another post.
So yeah, this is me. Kind of mixed up and confused, but these are the events of the last six months that have helped define me as a person. Well, the infertility diagnosis has defined me for two years, the fertility treatments and loss are all within the last 6 months to a year. But you get the picture.
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